My 20 favorite quotes

Just to get things going again after some absent here is some quotes that each have helped or help me in one way or another. When young some of them hang on my wall, now they are the background photo's on my pc. I hope you find them ok to.

Wonder what End Trigeminal Neuralgia is? EndTN is an awareness page for trigeminal neuralgia, a facial pain affliction, You can have a look at the page. 

A confession of a gallbladder

I've been bad, I know it but I just could not help myself. A perfect victim to my little plot. 

It started years ago. In the beginning I gave subtle and gentle hints. Uneasiness when eating fries, blown up stomach when too much goodies, bad night's sleep when eating too late. Just once in awhile as a reminder.

On our gallbladder FB group I get comments from other gallbladders that usually the host is totally oblivious to what our little bladder can do. Strange explanations are common and even people that should know better, blame our dysfunction on loads of other stuff.

But my host seems to be one of the more stupid ones. So I've been playing with her for some time.

Usually when we throw in heavy blown up stomach, pain in ribs, pain in back, nausea etc the host does understand that something is off and a doctor becomes our best friend helping in how to treat us better.

It started with me being kind and over the last years giving her very clear signals that I'm not to happy. But has she taken them? NO! Even with a family history - nope no bells have been ringing.

So I've become more and more naughty. I've thrown in some fever spells where she's been laying in bed shaking with cold. So cold socks, extra pysjamas and blanket have been put on, still to clattering teeth. But still no lights on. Cold flashes and menopause she said.

I've then slowly made her stomach blow up, at the end so big that it looked like she was 9 months pregnant with twins. Did it help? No, again menopause she said. Body changes then.

Rib pain, back pain and cramps then. Now I should get some attention. You believe what she's said? It's just the regular off days due to the fibro. Really, really, really!!!

Ok so now it's a challenge, how far can I go before she uses that brain of her's. 

As it turned out very far.
Added nausea, a lot of wind and bad stomach. Still nobody's home. Fibro, allergy, menopause. Excuses - again stupid excuses.

A week before Christmas I started a full on attack. Everything at ones, day and night.

Any movement in the brain department? No! How is that possible?

So I decided to really disturb her night sleep that is not good in the first place. Any takers? Nope.

In the end I had to throw it all in at the same time, adding pain so bad that she had no sleep at all and did not want to eat anymore.

And then the coin dropped.

It just took me around 6 months of heavy campaigning before she (under pressure from husband) finally gave in and went to see a doctor.

I felt rather proud of myself when the guy doing the ultrasound burst out saying: OOh la la la, this is not good at all. And asked my host why she had not gone to a doctor about this before.

Result of my campaign: Enlarged gallbladder with heavy infection and at least one stone blocking the tubes. Infection in intestines too. Yes! I did it, total blockage!

Afterwords: 

Of course I did not think too far ahead. Now the fun is over and my days with my host will soon be over too. She is not letting me play anymore eating a no fat, no fiber, no dairy, no gluten and no spices diet. She's sticking to the "baby" food.

I still tell her I'm here, making it uncomfortable for her to sit. But that pleasure is short lived. In 2 weeks time I'll be gone.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted!


Photos/illustrations from Pixabay.com
https://pixabay.com/en/users/Passagere-1215412/
https://pixabay.com/en/users/kaboompics-1013994/
https://pixabay.com/en/users/nataliaaggiato-470329/

Acceptance – such an easy world to say, not quite as easy to live by

Sunflowers - so bright, so happy, so warm. 

”Change is the only constant” Heraclitus said 2500 years ago. So true. Our lives are filled with changes, big and small. Some we hardly notice, others have huge impact on us. Ultimately we hope to reach an acceptance, focusing on life today and not on what it ones was. A new life, a different life but still a good one.

Acceptance

It's an easy word to say. It's not as easy to do. Some tell you to get over it and move on. And that is true. But some times things happen that changes our lives so profoundly that it takes time to process. For me it was being struck by lightening and all that followed *. For others it's another accident or incident.

It's not like snapping your fingers and then its done though

It’s been a very long road, a journey that is still continuing, and a journey that will probably last me as long as I live. I've cried rivers of tears, been further down than I believed possible, furious at my body for betraying me. I've mourned the loss of my former body, mourned the loss of my active life, mourned the loss of working. I've mourned the loss of the life I knew and mourned the loss of a day without pain.

As the zebra don't change its stripes neither do we change totally with pain. We are still us. 

I am not my pain. I am so much more.

At the same time the journey has been toward a change, in me, with me. Along the way I almost lost myself to the constant pain. Emotional as well as physical. It almost took over, it almost became me.

But that's not who I am. I am not my pain. I am so much more. So I took “me” back, slowly, step by step I found me again. A new me but at the same time the one I’ve always been inside: I'm still a feminist. I'm still a humanist. I still don't accept injustice. I'm still the one wanting equality. I'm still the one wanting to try make a difference in the world. I'm still talking to much.

Death is not an academic exercise

I've been there, touched it, felt it, smelled it. I've been blue, wondered why I survived, why it happened, why me? But knowing I've been extremely lucky has made me aware of simply being alive. Made me appreciate the small things, the things that really matter. Being able to see the stars, stop and smell the roses, enjoy children’s laughter, see my friends again, to explore, fall in love and most importantly being able to try to make a difference. In a strange way I was so fortunate to “see” my “obituary”, to get to know that I did mean something to someone.

It's the small things in life that matter. Like sitting with friends drinking a cup of tea. Just doing nothing but be together. 

When you know you should have died everything else is put into a different perspective

I made a decision to find the good things, the positive sides, the new opportunities and focus on them. I made a list (and for a long time that list just contained 2 things) just of positive things and the positive meaning: “I can sleep longer in the morning” (I've always found it hard to get up early) not on the fact that I need to sleep longer now. “I can help my bonus son as much as he needs” not that I would have done that anyway. “I can spend the whole day in the hammock” not that I need to relax.

My change within**. My acceptance.

So do I enjoy my life as it is today? Have I managed to lay my former life to rest and focus on the now? I would say a careful yes. Not every day, no, but most days. I'm coming to terms with it, the constant pain, the change in my life, the change in what I can do. I'm seeing possibilities, I'm having a good life despite it all and I'm sure it will be better.

Yes life is good!

Positive rings in the water.

I'm not saying it’s easy because it's not. It does take some hard work. But it is getting easier as you go along. It's like rings in the water, one thing leads to another. For me it has helped, for others it might not. ***

I'm getting better with practice and so yes I'm getting there, to accept, to enjoy what I can do and live a good life for me. I am very fortunate and I'm going to be sure to make the most and best out of it.

After all I'm still alive.

* Today, the 8th of July 2015, it's exactly 14 years since that night in the Norwegian mountains. The Lightening strike. Here you can read what happened:The Lightening strike

** For an article on the change within see the note where this illustration comes from. The article is about living with Trigeminal neuralgia but it applies to all changes. End Trigeminal Neuralgia is an awareness page.
For note on the change: https://www.facebook.com/notes/end-trigeminal-neuralgia/the-change-within-living-with-trigeminal-neuralgia/448933551895490
For awareness on Trigeminal neuralgia: https://www.facebook.com/endTrigeminalNeuralgia

*** I would just like to add in a small paragraph that having someone to talk to that knows exactly what you are going through can be a life saver. Support groups on Facebook is not a bad thing at all.

" A lightning bolt from clear sky" changed my life forever - though it was a real lightning strike and the sky was not clear

This is what the lightning looked like according to witnesses. 2 distinct strikes at ones. 

A summer night in the beginning of this millennium my life changed forever. Within a fraction of a second it changed. A huge bang, then nothing. Nothing at all. No light, no fire. Just a very loud sound, pain in my ear and nothing. At 2 o'clock in the morning I had lost my hearing on one ear. I had been struck by lightning.

The night had been colourful and loud. 

I was in bed, windows open, curtains aside looking out a the spectacular light show over the mountains. It really was beautiful. The sky alive with all different colours. A show not seen in these part for more than 80 years. The lights slowly moved further along the valley. The lights became more and more distant.  I became more and more drowsy, lulled to sleep by the distant rumbling. Rain was playing on the roof. It was time to sleep. 

Then an enormous sharp pain in my ear, a noise so loud it was like being in a mega speaker on full force. My room was smoky. I called out. As I jumped out of bed I thought I stepped on glass running to my parents room next door. Had my windows blown in?

And off went the smoke alarm

My mum was half awake, my father sound asleep. Rather groggy he walked out of the room and walked straight into the door of the fusebox that had been blown open. Then a very rough awakening as the smoke detectors started howling. Very annoying when cooking, rather more scary when you don't know the reason.

Everything went so quick

Rain was hammering on the roof and the rumbling continued with occasional flashes. It was unreal running into the living room looking out the windows. Part of the roof was hanging loose toward some trees. The gutters had broken off and was outside the other windows. You can safely say the normally beautiful vista was a little different.

Is the roof on fire?

It was as we stood there realising the roof had lifted I think it dawned on us that the cabin had been struck by lightning. Out we went to check on the rest. Fortunately the lightning had made a hole in the roof big enough for the rain to pour in and stop the burning.

We were in action modus

What to do now? Should we go back to bed or call the fire department? We could at least call and ask what to do in these cases.

I wonder what the fire department were thinking when they got a call saying " oh it seems our cabin has been struck by lighting and we are not sure what you do in these cases? Yes we are in the cabin now. No as far as we can see nothing is burning. You would like to check it out? Now? Ok we'll not go to bed then but meet you at the road barrier."

The reality of what had happened had not totally sunk in

We were still in action mode, my mother doing the dishes as water would go cold, my father taking a new look around and I driving to the road barrier to let the firemen through. Still in activity mode I decided as long as I have to sit there and wait I might as well call the insurance company. The time was probably closer to 3 in the morning by then.

Reality starts to sink in

I call the insurance and told what had happened. The phone went totally silent. "Oh my" I heard on the other end, "you don't know how happy I am to be talking to you. Are you all ok?". I don't think any of us had actually thought about it at all, the possibility that we might not be ok. As I talked to the very friendly man on the other end it slowly started to sink in. I still did not hear anything on my right ear.

You should be very glad no one slept in here

The guys from the fire department came and had a look around. When they came to my room they said ”oh my gosh, so good no one was sleeping in here, they would have been fried to death as it looks like the lightning met itself here”. I kind of went "hrmf I actually was in the room, laying in bed looking at the weather".  I got 4 shocking eye at me before one said very very calmly  ”you have no idea how lucky you are”.

I now know how lucky I was

I was gone for 5-10-15 minutes after the lightning struck. Nothing. I was not walking on glass but small pieces of hard plastic and metal that was left after the sockets had exploded. The lightning had met itself in my room and kaboom. 

Why did I survive? 

Many coincidences; I had my windows open, my bed was made of wood and shaped a little like a sledge protecting my head, I was lying on my left so the injuries came in my right side, no clothes on or jewellery and did not use my disc man for once (which was totally burned out).

I did not see any light, just the loud penetrating sound. /My hearing came back after 5 hours). The injuries have come, and the diagnoses still keep coming. Its been more than 10 years of pride and joy, sorrow and sadness, pain and tears - BUT I'm still alive.

Never in a million years had I thought I would be struck by lightning and survive.

Never did I believe that my life would change so dramatically. We never do do we? Its always something that happens in the movies or to someone else. Never did I believe that I the workaholic loving my job would not be allowed to work any more. I was at the top of my career, on top of the world and just ready to march ahead.

How different my life turned out.

But with the bad comes the good. When one door closes another do open. I've tapped into my more creative side and do what I can when I can.

I am celebrating surviving. I have been very fortunate after all. Yes of course there will always be a sorrow and a grief over all that I can not do any more but I do have a good life. Very different from what I believed it would be but still good. And the most important thing of all:

I'm alive.

A Viking in the vines

I'm an ex-pat substituting the cold North for the warm South. 

Norway for France. The colder mentality with a warmer one where neighbours actually talk to each other. Where you can comment when queuing in the store without people looking at you like your utterly mad. You say «bonjour» at the bakery, to the security guy in the supermarket and in the elevator at IKEA.

I have travelled the world being curious about other cultures, thinking about my place, never totally understanding others when they talked about rooting, belonging. 


Then some years back, going through France I found it. Driving on a highway in Languedoc I just knew: I'm home. Luckily my partner felt the same and we have now settled in a small village not to far from a city. This is where we belong.

I was struck by lightning. 

For real. In a fraction of a second everything changed and life today is very different from what it used to be. I'm not saying it’s been easy, I'm not saying it's without challenges, I'm just saying it is possible. To accept, to enjoy what I can do and live a good life for me. A life in pain yes, but I'm so much more than the pain. As the saying goes, when one door closes another opens.

I'm inspired by life, the joy of being: people, colours, smells, beautiful scenery and a city's vibrant life, music, the relationship between people and love. I'm in the middle of life and think I'm where I'm suppose to be.

My blog is my window to the world: I'm a humanist. I'm a strong believer in equality. I don’t take lightly on injustice. 

I enjoy every minute, I've been lucky. I'm alive.