Acceptance – such an easy world to say, not quite as easy to live by

Sunflowers - so bright, so happy, so warm. 

”Change is the only constant” Heraclitus said 2500 years ago. So true. Our lives are filled with changes, big and small. Some we hardly notice, others have huge impact on us. Ultimately we hope to reach an acceptance, focusing on life today and not on what it ones was. A new life, a different life but still a good one.

Acceptance

It's an easy word to say. It's not as easy to do. Some tell you to get over it and move on. And that is true. But some times things happen that changes our lives so profoundly that it takes time to process. For me it was being struck by lightening and all that followed *. For others it's another accident or incident.

It's not like snapping your fingers and then its done though

It’s been a very long road, a journey that is still continuing, and a journey that will probably last me as long as I live. I've cried rivers of tears, been further down than I believed possible, furious at my body for betraying me. I've mourned the loss of my former body, mourned the loss of my active life, mourned the loss of working. I've mourned the loss of the life I knew and mourned the loss of a day without pain.

As the zebra don't change its stripes neither do we change totally with pain. We are still us. 

I am not my pain. I am so much more.

At the same time the journey has been toward a change, in me, with me. Along the way I almost lost myself to the constant pain. Emotional as well as physical. It almost took over, it almost became me.

But that's not who I am. I am not my pain. I am so much more. So I took “me” back, slowly, step by step I found me again. A new me but at the same time the one I’ve always been inside: I'm still a feminist. I'm still a humanist. I still don't accept injustice. I'm still the one wanting equality. I'm still the one wanting to try make a difference in the world. I'm still talking to much.

Death is not an academic exercise

I've been there, touched it, felt it, smelled it. I've been blue, wondered why I survived, why it happened, why me? But knowing I've been extremely lucky has made me aware of simply being alive. Made me appreciate the small things, the things that really matter. Being able to see the stars, stop and smell the roses, enjoy children’s laughter, see my friends again, to explore, fall in love and most importantly being able to try to make a difference. In a strange way I was so fortunate to “see” my “obituary”, to get to know that I did mean something to someone.

It's the small things in life that matter. Like sitting with friends drinking a cup of tea. Just doing nothing but be together. 

When you know you should have died everything else is put into a different perspective

I made a decision to find the good things, the positive sides, the new opportunities and focus on them. I made a list (and for a long time that list just contained 2 things) just of positive things and the positive meaning: “I can sleep longer in the morning” (I've always found it hard to get up early) not on the fact that I need to sleep longer now. “I can help my bonus son as much as he needs” not that I would have done that anyway. “I can spend the whole day in the hammock” not that I need to relax.

My change within**. My acceptance.

So do I enjoy my life as it is today? Have I managed to lay my former life to rest and focus on the now? I would say a careful yes. Not every day, no, but most days. I'm coming to terms with it, the constant pain, the change in my life, the change in what I can do. I'm seeing possibilities, I'm having a good life despite it all and I'm sure it will be better.

Yes life is good!

Positive rings in the water.

I'm not saying it’s easy because it's not. It does take some hard work. But it is getting easier as you go along. It's like rings in the water, one thing leads to another. For me it has helped, for others it might not. ***

I'm getting better with practice and so yes I'm getting there, to accept, to enjoy what I can do and live a good life for me. I am very fortunate and I'm going to be sure to make the most and best out of it.

After all I'm still alive.

* Today, the 8th of July 2015, it's exactly 14 years since that night in the Norwegian mountains. The Lightening strike. Here you can read what happened:The Lightening strike

** For an article on the change within see the note where this illustration comes from. The article is about living with Trigeminal neuralgia but it applies to all changes. End Trigeminal Neuralgia is an awareness page.
For note on the change: https://www.facebook.com/notes/end-trigeminal-neuralgia/the-change-within-living-with-trigeminal-neuralgia/448933551895490
For awareness on Trigeminal neuralgia: https://www.facebook.com/endTrigeminalNeuralgia

*** I would just like to add in a small paragraph that having someone to talk to that knows exactly what you are going through can be a life saver. Support groups on Facebook is not a bad thing at all.