Unwanted guest for dinner - sexual harassment – and my own inadequacy to react

This last week I realised I was back at being the young 22 year old woman not knowing what to do when a marketing manager told me he was really looking forward to us travelling together, sharing room and having sex. My reaction this time as a grown woman was just the same as that young woman. I responded to it as if it was a joke, I made fun of it. I did not talk to much about it. I ignored it.*

At 22 you can understand that you're not certain how to respond. It started with smaller jokes, all with hidden sexual content. In the beginning I really did not understand, the man could have been my father. When it became really uncomfortable and he started telling me how he was looking forward to the trip I avoided him as much as I could. When he came into the office I was sitting in I left. If he came to the kitchen when I was making tea I left.

Chronic harasser

Fortunately for me the other women in the company saw it and understood as he had been sexually harassing them too. They made sure I was never alone with him again and protected me. I did the business trip when the man was away on another. He was angry when heard I'd gone alone but I was protected by my female colleagues. I made sure to never be in a situation where I could end up with him alone.

Why did I not report him?

Neither did the other women. Why? I was young, I was there for an intern ship, he was one of the big bosses in the company well liked and I'd met his very nice wife at a dinner with everyone. Social convention. Not wanting to make a fuss. Maybe deep down a little afraid I would not be taken seriously?

I also played the conversations over and over in my mind. What could I have said or done differently? Could I be to blame? The guilt over time when I knew what I wanted to do but did not dare. The sad thing is that the managing director was a really nice guy and I'm quite sure today that if I had told him, he would have taken it very seriously. At 22 I did not trust my instinct.

The harasser's power comes from people feeling isolated and alone. And staying silent like I.

Fast forward more than 20 years.

I'm at a dinner, we meet a new couple. I don't know why but I'm immediately uneasy about him and tell my husband to never leave me alone with him. My husband understands as he also feels something is off.

Next dinner and this time I'm next to this man. While we are talking I feel a leg against my leg. That happens of course and nothing sinister about that. I just move a little. But his leg moves with mine. His upper legs are rubbing my upper legs. I move my chair. He moves his a little. In the end I sit halfway out the chair trying to not make it to obvious, the other guests used to me moving around due to my bad back.

What I don't do is tell him to stop loud and clear. Instead I ignore it and I go help out in the kitchen to avoid it. I don't want to make a fuss. The guy is just a little frisky but well I can handle it.

Again I say nothing

Next time we're at a dinner at their house. Again I'm seated next to him and again his leg is up against mine. I don't say anything this time either but moves my chair towards my husband and sit with my legs out on the other side. When the wife gets up to clean the table etc. I help out to get out of the situation.

Next dinner I've talked to my husband and I make sure I'm not going to sit next to this man. I switch places with my husband.

Many women, like I, do not want to make a fuss and imprison ourselves by not speaking up.

Social codex and conduct.

I get a friends request from him and feel I can not deny. I accept but set my privacy settings so he can not see my new posts.

Another chronic harasser

Then just a few days later it all comes out. He is doing it to others. There are many many more stories, many more women. He is going to all social venues and harassing women of all ages. And finally, finally I take action. I unfriend him on Facebook, my husband does the same. My husband is a little sad I have not told all of it before. I have to admit I'm a little relieved.

And then I get angry. Very angry. At myself.

I have been through this before. Why did I respond exactly like the last time? Why did I not speak up and do what I knew to be the right thing in my heart? Why did I, of all people, not have the guts to do it? I've never been afraid of confrontations as a grown up. I'm a rather tough cookie, been through many battles and not afraid to stand on the barricades.

As a manager I had specific talks with young women to make sure they would come to me immediately if something remotely similar happened to them. I would have taken action and not ignored it or let it pass. But when it came to myself I was doing nothing, I was the 22 years old again, not wanting to make a fuss.

I and other women (and the few men) who experience harassment need to react so we can help others,
especially the young so they know  this is not acceptable behaviour and it's not their fault. 

Why is it so easy to stand up for others but not for myself?

I could not do it for myself, but I could definitely do it for the others. Harassing grown ups are one thing but when hearing he was going after younger women and teenagers too then it was very easy. Very easy. I would never forgive myself if me not saying something had resulted in something serious for a young woman.

It's fortunately just 1% of the male population but it's 1 % to many. We need to protect and we need to do whatever we can to put a stop to this behaviour. And it starts with me, speaking up.

I can not stand by others being harassed. I had to tell my story. For the sake of young women, for the sake of old women, for the sake of my own. I had to put my foot down, I should have done it sooner.

Finally though, through what has happened I have found my voice again. 

From now on I will not stay silent.

* Writing this I come to think about other incidents that I think every woman has experienced: Street harassment and the difference between what you experience on the street by strangers and what happens when the harasser is someone you know either socially or in your work environment. Another blog post.

© 2015 A Viking in the Vines